The Best October Prime Day Deals If You Are Experiencing Overwhelming Existential Dread

October 9, 2024

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In a world of endless choices, we are paralyzed, each decision a reminder of our impotence in a system that thrives on our dissatisfaction. We are ghosts in our own lives.” —OpenAI’s ChatGPT

I read a lot of science fiction as a child. At first I was entranced by the “Gee whiz! Robots!” spirit of the genre, but I was soon reading stories that were barely disguised warnings. Science fiction authors would say, “If we let computers think for us, we become animals,” and “Our own creations will kill us,” and “Oh, no. Robots!”

I don’t read science fiction any more. We’re past the need for warnings because it’s all happening for real. We are no longer circling the drain; we are in the whirlpool, each revolution pulling us further into the toilet. The best we can hope for is to drown without embarrassing ourselves; to let things end with grace. But we’re even fucking that up.

Wait. It’s Amazon’s October Prime Days! Let’s ignore those screams coming from the basement and take advantage of the great savings! Did you know that you can get free shipping on Amazon orders with a membership to Amazon Prime? And you get free access to Prime Video?

Credit: alphaspirit.it/ Shutterstock

Ignoring the inevitable

Why are you even going through the pantomime of your life? You try so hard to care about your job and to have hobbies and interests or whatever, but none of it matters. Go back to bed and just stay there.

Some people sleep on beds like this ESHINE Split King Adjustable. But do you deserve comfort at that level? Doubtful. Also, even though it’s 20% off, it’s still $1,519.99, and things didn’t go that well with your career, right? So get this inflatable bed instead. Tell yourself it’s just as good and that you’re not jealous at all.

Don’t worry about a bed frame or headboard—just put it on the floor. But do consider sheets. There’s something to be said for classic bare mattress-style depression, but you’re not an animal. These LuxClub sheets are 100% cotton and come in a variety of colors to hide the stains.

Credit: Amazon

Sheets may be optional, but curtains are not—you want your depression hole as dark as night, all the time, so blot out the sun with these blackout curtains. Before long, you won’t know or care if it’s daytime or night.

You may be asking, “But won’t I starve?” Perhaps in a hopeful voice. Sorry. Instead you’ll cook your meals in bed with this priced-to-move George Foreman 12-Serving Indoor/Outdoor Rectangular Electric Grill. It’s large enough to prepare a meal for a big family who laugh together and care about each other. Maybe if you buy this it will attract that to you. It’s worth a shot.

Speaking of bodily needs, it’s time to ditch the pee bottles and move up to a nice bedside commode. Having this baby next to the bed makes relieving yourself easy, and it’s Prime Day cheap at only $126.99.

Your new depression-nest hobbies

The transition from struggling member of society to bitter shut-in can be difficult. Eventually you’ll come to embrace your new lifestyle of defeatism, but until that blessed day comes, you may feel the need to something “productive” to fill your days. Here are some hobbies you will eventually realize are pointless:

Maybe you need to express yourself through song? Try to play music with this electric piano. Give up because it’s hard and because you don’t have any ideas worth pursuing.
Buy this “facial firming serum,” because its name is “When hope is not enough.” Which is good, because you have no hope.
Install hidden cameras everywhere and obsessively monitor them even though you live alone. How else will catch whoever keeps breaking in and moving your pills?
Purchase a Peleton while thinking to yourself, “I’m totally giving a shit about my health.” Use it twice, then leave in the corner of the room to remind you of your failure.
Potters are really soulful and in touch with themselves. Maybe a potter’s wheel will help you feel that way too.
Get a retro gaming system to revisit the video games of your childhood. Remember how much fun you used to have? Alone in your dark bedroom, always a player one without a player two, turning up the volume to drown out the sound of your parents fighting.

Buying TVs will not help you feel less haunted, but do it anyway

Once you’ve given up on pottery (what were you thinking?) and everything else, you’re going to need at least two good televisions. I recommend this Amazon Fire TV 55″ 4-Series 4K UHD smart TV and this 75″ Sony. It’s Mini LED, QLED ,4K, Ultra HD, blah, blah, blah—who cares?

Together they’re very expensive, even on Prime Day, but don’t worry about it. Put it all on the Amazon credit card you applied for. There’s no need to pay it back. There’s no future anyway and it’s not like Amazon can kill you because you owe them money. (Yet.)

When your TVs arrive (courtesy of Amazon Prime’s free delivery!) set them up on the floor. Put a TV on each side of your air mattress. Repeat the movie Sausage Party on one, and stream Acorn TV’s “collection of world-class mysteries, dramas, and thrillers from around the world” on the other.

Turn the volume loud, then leave them both on, day and night, but don’t look at them. Write your manifesto on the back of the overdue credit card bill notices with a Novium Hoverpen 2.0 Interstellar Edition ballpoint pen.

It’s not all terrible. It’s only almost all terrible.

Life isn’t 100% despair. There are moments of connection and transcendent joy that reveal an underlying unity to all creation (or so I have read). Maybe if you hold on long enough, you can come out the other end of this. To keep the sputtering flame of hope alive, purchase this dancing cactus toy. Look at its funny face!

“I can see into your dreams”
Credit: Amazon

Look at how it dances! It’s hilarious, but then it’s hypnotic. Buy six more of them and a lot of batteries; set them up around your bed so they surround you.